THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

 

THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

"'The man who hates and divorces his wife,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'does violence to the one he should protect,' says the Lord Almighty" Malachi 2:16. It is not clear what the word "violence" entails in this verse. It may be what we call "passive aggression" today. No blows are thrown but deep pain is committed mentally and/or emotionally. The husband may not initiate the divorce but it could be he makes it impossible for the wife to stay by making her miserable. The verses I mentioned from the book of Malachi are directed at men. My focus is to portray the reality of divorce. Oftentimes it isn't better, just different. But no one has the right to do any form of "violence" to another, whether physical or emotional (passive aggressive) or both.

The one who is treated poorly and decides to divorce often wants to get out of the marriage at any cost and it does cost them dearly. Since it is usually the woman, she may make low wages or none at all, so she may not get enough of a settlement to start her life over. Her age will make a difference, also. She may let her spouse have most of the furniture and all accessories without taking them into account in the settlement. She will either have to buy a car or take over the payments on the one she drives. She will let him have the house but may take half of the value of it in the settlement. That won't last long because she has to start over practically from scratch. And she may not have an education past high school because she devoted her life to him.

In addition, if she worked at home all those years full-time, she was not paid for any of the work she did. So, he will maintain that he made all of the money and so it is his. Her bearing the children, raising them, doing dishes, washing and ironing, mopping, mowing, shopping for groceries and necessities, etc. doesn't count for anything by usual divorce standards.

She will have to leave everything familiar to her behind. She will choose to go to a different church than to go to the one where her spouse goes. She may even go to a different town so as not to cross paths with him. She will get no support from friends and sometimes certain family members. They don't want to take sides. So she will be avoided. It can be worse than the death of the spouse. In the meantime the ex may be exaggerating and embelishing their marital circumstances and ruining her reputation, making himself out to be a victim. All the while, he is buying new vehicles, furniture and may buy a new house or more while she is thrust into poverty.

If they have young children, that is the worst situation in the divorce. Sometimes I think the kids suffer the most. They are usually unprepared for the changes happening in their "happy home." They don't understand and may not want to understand. They just want things back to their "normal." 

There are circumstances where one of the spouses is an alcoholic or has another addiction like gambling and which is causing much unhappiness and upheaval in the family and in the daily functions of family members. The kids may be somewhat relieved to have their parents separate to stop the hostile environment at home. Other children will be devastated to have their parents split. It is usually the father, but the mother may also be the one caught up in an addiction like drugs, even prescription drugs, alcohol, or gambling. She may also be the one who cheated.

Children of divorced parents will choose one parent over the other, if not consciously, subconsciously. One will be treated better than the other. It often doesn't matter the circumstances. Children are very able to forgive or overlook the sins of the guilty parent. And they don't want to hear about it either. The messenger will be ostracized and treated like a liar, even if the facts are evident. 

Holidays are never the same. Festivities are divided between the parents. The partying will be suddenly stopped because it is time to go to the other parent's house. 

When two families of divorce mix, the children oftentimes resent the stepparent. Or they are jealous of the children in the other family. Conflict arises, sometimes short-term, sometimes long-term. When children of the same age and one is female and the other male, their behavior should constantly be monitored because they are not blood kin. Life gets complicated. Peace may become a thing of the past or at least the lack of peace changes faces.

When the ex-wife's husband passes, his assets will go to the children. It doesn't matter the number of years the ex-wife had to endure his unloving and demeaning behavior. It doesn't matter that she raised the kids almost by herself. It doesn't matter that she was the manager of the house and bills or that she did the cooking and cleaning. It doesn't matter that she suffered through the early years helping him get through college and through the low pay years. It's as if she didn't ever exist. She may get part of a retirement fund in the initial divorce settlement but in years after the divorce settlement that fund increases substantially and she gets no part of that. And, again, she has to start all over in life, possibly even paying to get an education. Some women end up paying off all the credit cards and other bills her spouse has refused to pay. 

Then there are circumstances where the wife makes more money than the husband. Divorces can become complicated and bitter. Hate can be generated on both sides. Maintaining a Christian attitude becomes difficult, especially in view of the divorce happening in the first place. One may try to be fair and honest while the other wants to get as much as they can.

It is common for a woman to say her husband has two sides -- a good one and a bad one. The good one is wonderful and the bad one is awful to the point of unbearable. But she loves the good side and wants to keep it with changes to the bad side. That change rarely happens so she grieves the death of the marriage. It's the death that does them part. The opposite can be true also. Maybe the wife has two faces.

I can't speak much for the men since I am female. I'm sure if men divorced or initiated a divorce because of unfaithfulness on the wife's part, that has to be very painful and would take years in which to recover. Men usually have to pay alimony for a few years. If they have children and she has custody, they will have to pay child support until those children are 18 or until she remarries. If he is depressed, it may affect his job and his life in general. He won't get to see the kids as much if she has custody and conflicts often occur with the exchanges. His life will be in a total upheaval.

Then, if one or the other remarries, that starts a whole new set of troubles, conflict, and even sins such as jealousy, anger, hostility, bad-mouthing, and passive aggression. Divorce isn't the only sin to be considered. It's a good thing Jesus died for our sins because we seem to fall in the devil's sin-traps even when we think we're trying to avoid them.

The verses that precede the opening verse add some weight to the subject Malachi 2:13-15 says, "Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, 'Why?' It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth."

The pain of divorce is shown in this poem and the one following:

MY DIVORCE: D-DAY

Today is my divorce;

The judge will hear my decree.

The stroke of his pen will amputate,

A long-time part of me.

Divorce became my last resort,

Broken covenants I must bear.

My heart and dreams are shattered, too;

I’ve awakened to a nightmare.

A wall had formed between us,

I can’t remember when.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty;

Who will put me together again?

I’ll meet with my attorney;

He’ll tell me what to say.

Our divorce is on the docket;

It is now D-Day.

Before we start, I’ll be sworn in;

The words I’ll say are few.

The marriage will end just as it started,

With the same two words, “I do.”

I think that I’ll wear black today,

A symbol of the grief in my heart.

I mourn the death of our marriage;

For this death will do us part.

Becky Wall

Note: In answer to my question "Who will put me together again?," I found the answer in Christ.

NO BLACK, JUST BLUE
(A divorce situation)

I thought we were synonymous,
Though we were different, too.
Like salt and pepper go together,
So I went with you.

But now we’re living different lives;
Yes, now I live alone.
Life feels so unnatural,
Like in the Twilight Zone.

Our Christian lights shine dimmer now;
Respect for us has waned.
I often stop and ask myself,
Just what more have we gained?

I would not have it end this way.
But what else could I do?
If my pain was evident,
I wouldn't be black, just blue.

Becky L. Wall

"'The man who hates and divorces his wife,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'does violence to the one he should protect,' says the Lord Almighty." It is not clear what the word "violence" entails in this verse. It may be what we call "passive aggression" today. No blows are thrown but deep pain is committed mentally and/or emotionally by the one who is supposed to protect her from such emotional and mental "violence."

beckyowall.blogspot.com

#divorce #childrenofdivorce #violence #passiveaggression #wife #hate #love/hate