GROWING IN GOD'S GRACE AS A DIVORCEE

GROWING IN GOD’S GRACE AS A DIVORCEE

Divorce is running rampant through society. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Unfortunately, this statistic is almost as high among Christians. Many come from split families. This article is directed toward women. I wrote it when I taught a class on Divorce at Woman's Day held at St. Louis Christian College 20+ years ago. I am a divorcee myself.

 
God hates divorce because he is seeking Godly children. Malachi 2:14-16 says “...the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirits they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking Godly offspring.” 

I hope to give new insight to the divorce issue and to help others understand the feelings and needs of the divorced so they will know how to minister to them. First, try to understand the feelings of the divorcee. She is emotionally traumatized by the divorce, though only if she is the innocent party. She is grieving the death of the marriage and, in a sense, the death of the spouse as the person she thought she knew. 

There is no dignity in divorce like there is with death. The support isn’t there. In fact, some friends are lost. The divorced woman may face the trauma of seeing the spouse with another person. She may be treated as if she is disposable and unworthy of consideration. She may have to watch their kids go off with the former spouse and the new partner. She may have a great investment in her spouse, as far as time, help, emotions, children, and experiences. She may have helped him through college or waited for him to serve his years in the service. Oftentimes a divorcee suffered with him through the lean years. 

After the divorce her income may drop considerably. She may have to start all over. If she leaves the house to him and moves to a different town to avoid the hurts and gossip, she has to leave her comfort zone, her friends, everything familiar to her, her helper, her partner, the church, etc. So for all these reasons she is angry, bitter and sad, often to the point of depression.

This anger is oftentimes directed at God. The divorcee may wonder why God let this happen. Naomi, in the book of Ruth, also felt that way when her husband and sons were killed. “Don’t call me Naomi" (meaning pleasant), she told them. "Call me Mara (meaning bitter), because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." (Ruth 1:20-21) Following scriptures show how she and Ruth were greatly blessed. God is big enough to handle our anger toward Him.

Sins that build up during the marriage while trying to avoid the sin of divorce:

1. Anger - See Psalms 37:8 - Refrain from anger and turn from wrath...
2. Bitterness - See Eph. 4:31-32 
3. Revenge - Romans 12:17-18a - “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends. . .” I Thess. 5:15 - “Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.”
4. Hate, strife - Proverbs 10:12 - “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (In a marriage, both need to be loving--not just one. Just don’t return hate for hate.)

"Am I being punished for a past sin?" the divorcee may ask herself? “I am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more” says Isaiah 43:25. “He does not treat you as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities” Psalm 103:10. (See also Ps. 103:10, 12; Jer. 31:34; Isa. 43:25)

 
The divorcee may wonder if God even cares. But His Word says, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” I Pet. 5:7. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalms 34:18). DON’T GIVE UP ON GOD; He will give you real hope when there seems to be no hope. 

Don’t try to “fix” things yourself when you are the only partner trying; step back and let God work with him. At the same time God will be working with you. Many other sins mount while trying to avoid the sin of divorce, such as anger, bitterness, revenge, hate, and strife, as mentioned before. (Ps. 37:8, Eph. 4:31:32, Rom. 12:17-18a, I Thess. 5:15, Prov. 10:12, Prov. 29:22) Be willing to face reality. Your spouse may never change and you cannot change your spouse (Romans 8:7).

The divorcee may feel the following:

1. Rejected, like a failure, useless.
2. Disposable--you are not a keeper.
3. As if you weren’t woman enough to keep your man.
4. A complete failure wondering if you should try anything since you failed at marriage.
5. Wondering how anyone could love you if your own husband couldn’t.
6. Fear of going to hell. By human standards, divorce is set up as one of the major sins.
7. Your only hopes are false hopes.
8. I also felt like I was falling out of an airplane with no parachute and was grasping at air or anything in the air, which is only more air. Others have said they felt like they had walked in front of a train or got off of a train only to step in the path of another one.

Don’t give up hope in all areas--just give up false hopes. If it's just a thread of hope, hang onto it. See what happens.

What you should expect from others, but may not happen:

• Support (Rom. 15:7) and encouragement (Rom. 15:2, I Thess. 5:11, ).
• Absence of judgmentalism (Prov. 17:15, Matt 7:1-2).
• Absence of “dirty looks” and snide comments from others.
• Having to defend yourself.
• Having to deal with personal and private questions or conversations.

Look for God’s approval, not the approval of others. Rise above being alienated and ostracized.

If you are in an abusive environment, you are not to blame for escaping that environment. David was bound by God’s law to serve Saul, his king, but he eventually had to flee. 

I Sam. 19:1-10 & 24:1-20

1 "Saul told his son Jonathan and all the attendants to kill David. But Jonathan had taken a great liking to David 2 and warned him, “My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. 3 I will go out and stand with my father in the field where you are. I’ll speak to him about you and will tell you what I find out.” 4 Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, “Let not the king do wrong to his servant David; he has not wronged you, and what he has done has benefited you greatly. 5 He took his life in his hands when he killed the Philistine. The Lord won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad. Why then would you do wrong to an innocent man like David by killing him for no reason?” 6 Saul listened to Jonathan and took this oath: “As surely as the Lord lives, David will not be put to death.” 7 So Jonathan called David and told him the whole conversation. He brought him to Saul, and David was with Saul as before. 8 Once more war broke out, and David went out and fought the Philistines. He struck them with such force that they fled before him. 9 But an evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the lyre, 10 Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape. 11 Saul sent men to David’s house to watch it and to kill him in the morning. But Michal, David’s wife, warned him, 'If you don’t run for your life tonight, tomorrow you’ll be killed.' 12 So Michal let David down through a window, and he fled and escaped." Saul tries to kill David again in I Samuel 24:1-20. God did not hold it against David for breaking his vow to serve Saul.

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty in Malachi 2:16. I'm not sure what this verse means but what it means to me is that the violence is inward -- mental and emotional. The woman is deeply scarred.

Personal Growth As A Divorcee:

• Put the past behind you, but learn from it.
• Don’t let your problems consume you.
• Don’t beat yourself up with the “What ifs.”
• Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
• Make sure you accomplish one goal each day.
• Keep yourself looking presentable, but don’t overdo it. (I Peter 3:3)
• Splurge a little once in a while to lift your spirits. Be careful with this one.
• Try things you’ve never tried before. You will never know what God can do for you in your life if you never give Him a chance.
• Find positive ways to spend your time (Eph. 5:15-17).
• Keep busy. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.
• Spend time working on your talent and not in a bar. When I divorced I vented my emotions in writing.
• Find avenues that will enable individual growth.
• Share your feelings and your fears with a few close, trustworthy, wise friends who can relate on some level. 
• Ask them to be honest in sharing with you your strengths and weaknesses. Be receptive to what they say, whether complimentary or painful.
• Whether your relationship can be restored, or whether you can maintain other relationships, may depend on your recognizing that you may have picked up some bad attitudes or behaviors, such as bitterness, anger, impatience, biting tone of voice, “dirty” looks, etc. Work on yourself (Ps. 51:10).
• Seek peace (I Cor. 7:15, John 14:27, Rom 12:18 & 14:19, I Cor. 14:33).

Grow spiritually as a divorcee:

Recognize that though you may be a reject in your ex’s eyes, you are not a reject
in God’s eyes. He is always available to salvage the ones whose spouses were
unwilling to put in the work it takes to maintain a healthy marriage relationship (I Cor. 13, Cor. 7:15). Initiating the divorce does not mean you are the guilty party; you may not have had any other choice. A divorce decree isn’t a ticket to hell. You are still valuable to God and have much to offer Him.

 

Find a church that is accepting, nonjudgmental, caring, and doctrinally sound.

1. Read your Bible
2. Attend church faithfully--for the Lord.
3. Don’t expect others to fill your needs.
4. Make yourself available to help others in a similar situation ((Prov. 11:25b, II Cor. 1:3-4).
5. Replace worry with prayer. Pray often (James 5:13, I Thess. 5:17)--on your knees; you may get faster results. (I seem to.). (Prov. 15:13)
6. Do not let anything consume your thoughts or time. Focus on God (Prov. 4:25-27).
7. If you date, choose a Bible reading, prayerful, family-oriented man that treats you with the utmost respect and puts God first.

How to manage your pain.

1. Do not seek outlets for your pain that would not meet with God’s
2. approval. (Eph. 5:3, Gal 5:19-21, Ruth 3:10-11) If you feel you have failed God, just keep talking to Him and reading His Word. Don’t give up on Him and He won’t give up on you.
3. Treat yourself once in a while.

Dealing with the loneliness:

1. Don’t withdraw or isolate yourself from others.
2. Keep busy doing positive things.
3. Smile, even when you don’t feel like it (Prov. 15:13 & 17:22).
4. Strive to be content in whatever circumstances you find yourself (Phlp. 4:11-13).

All problems have one answer--Jesus. He may not make the problem go away, but He will give you the wisdom and strength to get through it. He will provide a way for you, but you must do your part, also. Things won’t be handed to us on a silver platter until we get to heaven, for there is a great spiritual battle waging over our lives and souls that keep our answers from coming as quickly as we would like. Never give up on yourself, and never give up on God.

Don't blame yourself for having to escape an abusive environment.

Physical abuse - Malachi 2:16 - “"The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty.

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.

Fix yourself up each day, but don’t overdo it. I Peter 3:3-4 - “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.”

Find positive ways to spend your time.

Eph. 5:15-17 - “Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.”

Find avenues that will enable spiritual growth.

Work on yourself; be willing to change, to purify your heart. (Get rid of anger, malice, bitterness, etc.) Ps. 51:10 - “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Seek peace. 

• I Cor. 7:15 - “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”

• John 14:27 - “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

• I Cor. 14:33 - “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”

• Romans 12:18 - “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Face reality:

Your spouse may never change; you cannot change your spouse. 

Romans 8:7 - “. . .the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.”

Read your Bible daily:

II Tim. 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Use your experiences for the good. Comfort others in similar situations:

• Prov. 11:25b - “. . .he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” 
• II Cor. 1:3-4 - “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

Don’t worry; pray:

• James 5:13 - “Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. . .” 
• I Thess. 5:17 “pray continually.”

Do not let anyone or anything consume your thoughts or time; focus on God:

Prov. 4:25-27 - “Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”

Choose a dedicated Christian if you date - II Cor. 6:14-15 - “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?. . .What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”

How to manage your pain:

Do not seek outlets that would not meet with God’s approval. Maintain honor and integrity. 

Eph. 5:3 - “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.”

Avoid all sin; be “fruitful.” 

Gal 5:19-24 - “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dis­sensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.

 
Show good character, then wait for blessings:

Ruth 3:10-11 - “The LORD bless you, my daughter," he replied. "This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. And now, my daughter, don't be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All my fel­low townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.”

Dealing with loneliness:

Smile, even if you don’t feel like it. 

• Prov. 15:13 - “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” 
• Prov. 17:22 - “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Stay busy. Make new friends.

Be content:

Phil. 4:11-13 - “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Conclusion:

Commit yourself to the Lord; be righteous and patient; don’t worry or get angry. 

Psalms 37:4-8 - “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil."

Trust God to make the best of things.  

Romans 8:28 - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

PERSONAL POEMS:

I wrote these poems the day of my divorce:

D-Day

Today is my divorce;

The judge hears my decree.

The stroke of his pen will amputate,

A long-time part of me.

Divorce became my last resort,

Broken covenants I must bear.

My heart and dreams are shattered, too;

I’ve awakened to a nightmare.

A wall had formed between us,

I can’t remember when.

I feel like Humpty Dumpty;

Who will put me together again?

I’ll meet with my attorney;

He’ll tell me what to say.

Our divorce is on the docket;

It is now D-Day.

Before we start, I’ll be sworn in;

The words I’ll say are few.

The marriage will end just as it started,

With the same two words, “I do.”

I think that I’ll wear black today,

A symbol of the grief in my heart.

I mourn the death of our marriage;

For this death will do us part.

Becky Wall

Beaten

I thought we were synonymous,

Though we were different, too.

Like salt and pepper go together,

So I went with you.

But now we’re living different lives;

Yes, now I live alone.

Life feels so unnatural,

Like in the Twilight Zone.

Our Christian lights shine dimmer now;

Respect for us has waned.

I often stop and ask myself,

Just what more have we gained?

I would not have it end this way.

But what else could I do?

If my pain was evident,

I would be black and blue.

Becky L. Wall