I have lists all over my house. I have lists of things to remember; lists of places to go; lists of things to do; budget lists; lists for the IRS; lists of people, their addresses, and phone numbers; gift lists; lists, lists, lists. Though I have lists to help me remember errands I need to run, when I go to do those things, I discover I've either forgotten or lost the list. But there's one list I would do well to forget, and that's the record of wrongs I keep tucked away in a dark corner of my heart.
Every time I get tired, depressed, or stressed out, I pull out that list. I remind myself how I've been wronged, then throw myself a pity party or go sit on the pity potty. And when I am all done, do I feel better? There is a country song with a line that goes, "Go ahead and feel bad if it makes you feel better." But I never do feel better. Why is that?
If I store in my heart a "blacklist" of people who have wronged me, complete with details, it makes the rest of my heart dark. I become grumpy, spiteful, and bitter. My countenance falls and I am not much fun to be around. People I like sometimes wonder if I am mad at them. Or they wonder why I have such a bad attitude. My expressions, tone of voice, and actions reflect what is going on in my heart, carrying over into other relationships. A "blacklist" keeps me from loving my enemy and it causes many to avoid me.
I injure myself more than my offender hurt me when I store an active list of wrongs in my heart. Every time I review my list, I not only nurture a grudge against the offender, but become bitter and angry toward that person. Then I turn that bitterness and anger back on myself, injuring my self-esteem and robbing myself of the joy and peace that comes from focusing on the good God has done in my life. There is great wisdom in the words of I Corinthians 13:5: "Love...doesn't keep a record of wrongs." (NIV) Lists of wrongs keep us from loving our neighbor, ourselves, and God.
If I keep a list in my heart of things I hate about myself, such as #1 - stupid, #2 - ugly, #3 - a loser, only then am I a stupid loser. My list may be based on what the devil whispers in my ear or what I perceive others think about me. My opinion of myself and corresponding blacklist may be based on times others hurt me, on times I hurt them, and/or on times I sinned against myself and cannot accept the forgiveness Jesus offers. I am commanded to love both my enemy (Matt. 5:44) and my neighbor (Matt. 22:39), but it is understood in the latter verse that I am also to love myself. If I don't love myself, I will show less love to others.
Exposing my blacklist to the Light brings insight, an additional measure of spiritual maturity, and humility. For it is I who put the "black" in my list. "Losing" that list has brought joy, peace, healthy relationships, and has taken me into a closer relationship with God. If you have blacklisted yourself or others, lose the list. You'll be a better person for it.
--Becky Wall
