SCRIPTURAL POEMS WITH HUMOR

SCRIPTURAL POEMS WITH HUMOR

ELIJAH: 450 VS. 1

(Based on I Kings 18:16-40)

The Israelites turned away from God,

In the days of Jezebel.

So Elijah, the prophet, said to them,

“Follow God, or follow Baal.”

But his words were met with silence,

For the people couldn’t decide.

God sent Elijah to prove to them,

That in God they should abide.

Elijah challenged Baal’s prophets,

To see whose god was a liar.

Each god would be offered a sacrifice;

The real one would answer by fire.

Four hundred fifty prophets of Baal,

Were pitted against only one.

But when that one was sent from God,

The contest was already won.

The idol’s prophets went first;

Their god they began to hound.

They begged from morning ‘til noon,

But they never heard a sound.

Thinking it would help to dance,

They danced themselves into a tizzy.

But still they got no answer;

All they got was dizzy.

Elijah began to heckle them,

“Shout louder,” he repeatedly said.

“Baal may be busy or deep in thought,

On a trip, or even in bed.”

Baal’s prophets shouted louder;

They slashed themselves with swords.

Midday passed and they prophesied on,

Just waiting for Baal’s rewards.

Then Elijah called to God's people,

Once the altar had been repaired.

He may have preached a sermon, too,

While the sacrifice was prepared.

One stone was placed for each tribe,

On the spot where the old altar stood.

A trench was dug, the bull cut up,

Then the pieces were laid on the wood.

Four large jars of water,

Were poured on the wood and bull.

They did this three times over;

Even the trench was full.

Then came the time of sacrifice,

So, Elijah stepped forward to pray.

“God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel,

Make yourself known today!!”

When fire came down from heaven,

The wood, bull, and stones all burned.

It licked up the water in the trench,

And the hearts of the people turned.

The false prophets lost their lives;

They had listened to Baal’s silent voice.

Since Baal couldn’t make a puff of smoke,

God became the people’s choice.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

IN THE BELLY OF A REALLY BIG FISH

(Book of Jonah)

The word of the Lord came to Jonah;

I want you to go and preach.

Go to Ninevah and see,

How many of them you can reach.

So Jonah paid the travel fare,

And sailed in the other direction.

But he was soon to discover,

He no longer had God’s protection.

The Lord was upset with Jonah,

So He sent a great wind on the sea.

Jonah had run away from God,

But God he could not flee.

While the sailors cried to their gods in fear,

Jonah was fast asleep,

Unaware of the trouble he’d caused,

For he was sleeping so deep.

“Get up,” cried the sailors, “and call on your god;

We’re sinking faster and faster.”

They then drew lots to determine,

Who caused this near disaster.

The lot fell upon Jonah,

So they questioned, “Who are you?

Who and where are your people?"

He answered, “I am Hebrew.”

I worship the Lord God of heaven,

Who made the land and the sea.

“What have you done” they asked him then,

“That your God caused this storm to be?"

The sea got rougher and rougher;

They wondered what they should do.

“Throw me into the sea,” Jonah said.

"It’s my fault this storm came on you."

The seamen tried to row to land,

But the waves grew wilder and wilder.

So they quickly hurled Jonah overboard.

At once, the winds became milder.

Jonah was instantly caught,

‘tween the devil and the deep blue sea.

Tangled in seaweed, he cried,

“There’s a whale of a fish after me!”

Down its slippery tongue Jonah went;

He began to toss and careen.

Though it was dark, he saw the light,

In the belly of the live submarine.

There was Jonah in the fish’s tummy,

(It was usually the other way ‘round.)

He had plenty of time to think,

And wonder to where he was bound.

Three days and nights in his think tank,

On a waterbed he rested.

The folly of ignoring his calling,

Was the only thing digested.

Jonah remembered the Lord, then prayed,

It was then God’s plan unfurled.

For the second time in three long days,

From his resting place Jonah was hurled.

With a splat he landed on dry land,

And proceeded to obey the Lord.

In Ninevah he had success,

Except with a stubborn gourd.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Elijah is depressed in this story but there are still some humorous parts starting with the fact that he had just won a major battle against 450 of the idol Baal's prophets, but when he faced a woman, namely Jezebel, he was so afraid of death that he just wanted to die. 

NOTE: Look for all the signs of depression in this story: withdrawal from friends and family, sleeping too much, loss of appetite, hopelessness, a death wish, preoccupation with the same negative thoughts, loss of enthusiasm, self-pity and despair. But also note that the end of Elijah’s depression came when God, the greatest psychologist, gave him hope and a mission. Everyone needs hope and to feel productive and we all need to be needed.

ELIJAH FIGHTS HIS TOUGHEST BATTLE: DEPRESSION

(I Kings 19:1-18)

Jezebel threatened to kill Elijah--

'fore tomorrow’s end drew nigh!

Elijah was so afraid of death,

That he just wanted to die.

He had endured many trials,

With courage, strength and honor,

But now that he faced Jezebel,

He thought he was a goner.

He ran for his life to Beersheba,

And left his servant there.

In the desert he prayed for death;

His problems were too much to bear.

He told God frankly he’d had enough,

And begged Him to take his life.

Weary from worry, he fell asleep;

He was physically spent by his strife.

All at once, he was touched by an angel,

Which, of course, made him awake.

The angel asked him to get up and eat;

By his head was water and cake.

He ate the simple meal,

Then lay down again to rest.

He was still consumed by grief;

In other words, he was depressed.

Again he was touched by the angel,

With a cake, and water to sip.

“Arise and eat," the angel said;

"You need strength for a very long trip.”

For forty days and nights he traveled,

Still preoccupied by his plight.

He reached Horeb, the mountain of God;

In a cave he spent the night.

The word of the Lord came to him,

“What are you doing here?”

Elijah told God the predicament,

That was causing him so much fear.

“Go stand on the mountain,” God said,

“For the Lord will soon pass by.”

Elijah now had a mountain to climb;

He must have wanted to cry.

A wind tore apart the mountain,

Yet God was not in the wind.

Elijah most surely wondered,

When would his nightmare end.

When the earth began to quake,

He expected God to be there,

But God was not in the rumble,

So Elijah was still in despair.

Elijah pursued God’s help,

So he looked for Him in a fire.

When God was not in the flames,

Elijah wallowed in his mire.

Then he heard a still, small voice--

He was scared; he could hardly cope.

He pulled his cloak across his face,

But the words brought whispering hope.

God gave Elijah a mission,

For the seven thousand still true.

He wasn’t the only believer,

And he was no longer blue.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jezebel was a mean queen -- bad to the bone.

Jezebel Goes to the Dogs

Ahab’s humility didn’t last;
To false prophets he returned.
He hated God’s own prophet;
In other words, God he spurned.

Ahab and the king of Judah,
Joined forces to start a war.
They got advice from false prophets,
Which hurt God to the core.

The king of Judah asked for God’s prophet,
Which only made Ahab mad.
He called for God’s prophet, Micaiah, saying,
“He tells nothing good but all bad.”

The false prophets said “Go to war.
You will surely win.”
But Satan put words in their mouths,
Through a lying spirit within.

Micaiah warned against the war;
He told them to go home instead.
With that, he was put in prison,
Where he was fed water and bread.

So the two kings went to war.
Ahab wore a disguise.
But a random arrow found an open space,
The result of his listening to lies.

They propped him up in his chariot,
As the driver wheeled him about.
The battle raged on all day,
By evening he had bled out.

They washed the chariot in a harlot’s pool,
And in places where Ahab bled,
The dogs licked up his blood,
As the word from God had declared.

Ahab’s son was crowned the new king,
But God had a different plan.
He had Elisha send a prophet,
To anoint another man.

The man’s name was Jehu.
As a commander he was employed.
God told him to destroy Ahab’s house,
To avenge His servants they destroyed.

Jehu went to Naboth’s land,
Where he found Ahab’s son.
He shot Ahaziah through the heart,
While his chariot was on the run.

Then Jehu went near the palace.
The queen knew he’d pass just below,
So she painted her eyes and fixed her hair,
Then watched him from her window.

When Jehu approached the window,
Jezebel began to jeer.
“Who is on my side?” Jehu said.
Then he saw eunuchs behind her appear.

“Throw her down,” Jehu said.
When they did, she was trampled by horses.
The dogs ate all but her skull and hands,
And got rid of her evil forces.

In order to punish her evil deeds,
There could never be enough flogs.
Her death resembled her life;
One could say she went to the dogs.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(My favorite)

(Based on Num 22-24, Deut 23:5-6, Josh 24:9-10,

Neh 13:1-2, 2 Pet 2:15, Jude 11)

BALAAM AND THE TALKING DONKEY

Balak, the son of a king,

Summoned Balaam, a pagan priest,

To put a curse on the Israelites,

Who had settled near him to the east.

The Israelites were conquerors,

So the prince was afraid of their horde.

He wanted a hex put on them,

Balaam would call on the Lord.

Balaam supposedly met with success,

When upon gods he would call,

He was paid to bring curses or blessings,

And he called upon them all.

But now he had met the one true God,

Whom he called to by divination.

He boldly asked God to send a curse,

On the whole Israelite nation.

God told Balaam to refuse,

The prince's ridiculous request,

So Balaam sent the officials back,

Which made the prince greatly distressed.

But the prince was more determined--

He wanted those Israelites cursed.

He sent a greater reward,

And officials more distinguished than the first.

Balaam opened his mouth to accept,

But here’s what the people heard:

“Offer a palace with silver and gold,

But I must obey God’s word.”

God then commanded Balaam,

"Go on, since they summoned you.

But I instruct you to do,

Only what I tell you to do."

God sent an angel to block the way,

So Balaam would learn his lesson.

For he had lived a reckless life;

With the true God he was now messin’.

His donkey’s way was blocked,

By an angel sent by the Lord.

The donkey turned into a field,

For the angel carried a sword.

Balaam beat his donkey and then,

Started down a narrow, walled path.

Balaam’s foot was crushed on the wall;

He again showed the donkey his wrath.

Then the angel moved on ahead,

And completely blocked their way.

The donkey laid down with Balaam on top.

For that, he was made to pay.

The Lord then opened the donkey’s mouth,

To Balaam he began talking.

He asked his master why the beatings,

For he had good reason for balking.

Balaam now saw the angel,

Who was ready to settle the score.

If it hadn’t been for his donkey,

He would be living no more.

Balaam still desired to please Balak,

So he kept on pursuing his quest.

But every time he opened his mouth,

The Israelites were blessed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

JOSHUA DEFEATS JERICHO

When Joshua was near Jericho,

A city in the Promised Land,

He looked up and saw a man standing,

With a drawn sword in his hand.

Joshua went up to the man,

And asked on which side was he,

The man replied “Neither.”

He was Commander of God’s army.

Joshua fell on his face in reverence,

Expecting something profound.

The man said, “Take off your sandals,

For you’re standing on holy ground.

Through the man, the Lord said to Joshua,

“I’ve delivered Jericho to you.”

The war had not yet been fought,

But now the time was due.

The Jerichonians were afraid;

They wanted to be left be.

They had heard the amazing story,

Of the parting of the Red Sea.

The city was walled and tightly shut up;

No one went in or out.

An ill wind was blowing their way,

Of that fact, no one had a doubt.

The Lord’s instructions to Joshua,

As Jericho before them lay:

March around it one time for six days,

And seven on the seventh day.

Seven priests were to carry trumpets,

In front of the ark of the covenant.

On the seventh day they would blow their horns,

As they marched in a circular movement.

When the army heard a long trumpet blast,

That was their cue to shout.

The walls would come crashing down,

And they could move freely about.

The seventh day was an all-day event;

For Jericho was large.

The noise had to be deafening,

A wise plan from the One in charge.

The loud blast caused vibrations;

Cracks formed in each stone block.

One could blame the rolling stones,

On the priests playing hard rock.

Rahab and her family were spared,

They were taken outside of the city.

For she had helped the Israelites,

In return, they showed her pity.

The Lord God loves a challenge;

He can always beat the worst odds.

And because the Lord is jealous,

He takes issue with other gods.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FROM A ZERO TO A HERO

(Judges 6 & 7)

God’s people turned away from Him;

They were known as the Israelites.

So God allowed them to be,

Oppressed by the Midianites.

The Israelites called to God for help,

While hiding in mountain caves.

The Midianites were stealing their goods,

And treated them worse than slaves.

The Lord needed a leader,

Whose strength was not of might.

He would ask the man He chose,

To instigate a fight.

An angel spoke to Gideon,

While he was threshing wheat.

He called him a Mighty Warrior,

Tho’ unlikely as one could meet.

Gideon stuttered with fear and doubt,

He knew God needed a hero.

He first thought, “I’m not the man,

For I am but a zero.”

“My clan is considered the least,

And I am the least of the least.

I am not the one to ask,

To slay the men from the east.”

The Lord said “I will be with you;

We will do it together.”

Gideon was so amazed,

One could knock him down with a feather.

So Gideon said, “OK, I’ll go,

Just tell me where and when.”

Then Gideon gathered an army,

Of thirty-two thousand men.

But that was way too many,

At least it was in God’s eyes,

For when God is with an army,

It’s not about the size.

The Lord instructed Gideon,

To narrow the army down.

Ten thousand men were brave enough,

The rest returned to town.

But there was still too many,

So God put them through a test.

Three hundred passed unwittingly,

The Lord sent home the rest.

Armed with trumpets and jars,

And torches hidden within,

They were prepared for battle —

Just Gideon and 300 men.

The enemies they would face,

Numbered like grains of sand.

But an army of one is enough,

If the battle is in God’s hand.

Gideon saw the opposing army,

And lost his confidence.

But he was soon to get it back,

Not by chance, but by Providence.

He overheard a dream being told,

While he spied on the enemy nation.

That Gideon would win the war,

Was the enemy’s revelation.

So Gideon found his strength again,

And his army set forth at night.

With trumpets, jars and torches,

Locked and loaded, they were ready to fight.

They followed God’s instructions,

And in unison gave a shout.

When they broke the jars and blew their horns,

Pandemonium broke out.

The enemies slew each other that day,

God’s army took care of the rest.

The least of the least defeated,

The so-called best of the best.

God was given the glory,

Why they won, there was no doubt.

For they had won a major war,

With a horn, a jar, a torch, and a shout.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TWO SPIES AND A HARLOT

(Joshua 2-6)

Jacob is also called Israel.

Twelve tribes made up his nation.

Ten were tribes of Jacob’s sons,

And two were sons by adoption.

After the death of Moses,

They camped on the river sand.

On the far side of the Jordan lay Canaan,

The long-awaited Promised Land.

Joshua was the son of Nun,

And also Moses’ aide.

Through him God kept a promise,

That had long ago been made.

God told Joshua to cross the Jordan,

Into the Promised Land.

And if anyone tried to harm him,

He would lend a hand.

God first encouraged Joshua,

To be courageous and strong,

To study the law day and night,

And be careful to do no wrong.

Joshua ordered his officers,

To go through the camp far and near,

And tell the people to gather their needs;

Their day would soon be here.

In three days they would cross the river,

Which all of the men would be fordin’

The women and children of 2 1/2 tribes,

Would stay east of the river Jordan.

The people pledged allegiance to Joshua,

To obey him until their last breath.

Because anyone who did not,

God would put to death.

Joshua sent two spies to the land,

Where he’d spied 40 years before.

Back then the people were short of faith;

This time they were ready for war.

The spies were to scout out Jericho.

They would stay at the house of a dame.

She had a poor reputation;

Rahab was her name.

Someone snitched to the king,

That the spies were there that night.

The king sent a message to Rahab,

To bring the men into sight.

She told the pursuers the men left at dusk.

Who they were, she did not know.

But if they wanted to catch the spies,

They should hurriedly go.

Meanwhile the spies were on the roof,

Under plants spread out to dry.

Their foes were on a wild goose chase,

So the spies had no fear they would die.

Rahab told of her people’s great fear;

When they heard God dried the Red Sea,

And that nations had been destroyed;

They hoped He would leave them be.

Rahab expressed her faith and belief,

In the one true God they served.

She asked for kindness to her family,

Since she helped their lives be preserved.

“Our lives for your lives,” the spies’ replied.

”Though not one in your nation survives,

As long as you don’t tell on us,

We’ll spare your family’s lives.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE FIRST KING OF ISRAEL

Israel wanted a king,

Which made God feel rejected.

He decided to grant their request,

Even though He greatly objected.

He instructed the prophet Samuel,

To anoint Saul the first king.

Saul came from the tribe of Benjamin;

Both good and bad he would bring.

Samuel prepared a dinner,

And put Saul at the head of the table.

He gave him the choicest leg of meat,

Though as king, Saul felt unable.

Samuel anointed Saul the next day,

More or less against Saul’s will.

He thought himself not important enough,

For such a role to fill.

But God filled Saul with His Spirit,

And he appeared like royalty.

He was a head taller than everyone,

But he lacked loyalty.

Though anointed, Saul kept it quiet,

‘Til Samuel showed up one day,

And had each tribe march before him;

Much to Saul’s dismay.

After every tribe and clan had passed,

And Saul was named as king,

He could not be found,

For he was cowardly hiding.

The Lord revealed his hiding place;

He was cowering behind the supplies.

Though he stood a head taller than everyone else,

He was small in his own eyes.

Samuel talked him up to the crowd,

Then they shouted, “Long live the king.”

Samuel stated the rules of kingship,

Only trouble would such power bring.

Saul would obey the Lord,

But rarely all the way.

He liked to do things differently,

Which caused God much dismay.

His confidence grew stronger,

So much so that he became evil.

Eventually he was full of himself;

And turned into a weevil.

He tried to take the life,

Of the boy who played a harp.

He even tried to spear his own son,

But his son was a little more sharp.

Saul’s moods often changed with the wind,

For God’s Spirit was no longer with him.

He was nice one minute; the next he was not;

He knew his future looked grim.

The boy that played the harp for him,

Would one day take his place.

Because Saul did things his own way,

His life would end in disgrace.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MY NAME IS LEGION, FOR WE ARE MANY

Jesus was in Galilee,

Where He tirelessly traveled about.

But then he crossed the sea, 

Where he sought one tortured man out.

When Jesus stepped ashore,

He was met by a man undressed.

For a long time he had lived in a tomb,

Because he was demon possessed.

When he saw Jesus, he fell at His feet,

With thousands of voices he yelled:

“I’m begging, ‘Don’t torture me, Son of God?”

For they knew the power Christ held.

There was one dominant demon,

But also thousands more.

So therefore when they cried,

Their voices would create a low roar.

The man had been freed from the demon before,

But it returned time and again.

Though he was guarded and chained hand and foot,

He could not be tamed by men.

The man was not always demon possessed;

At times he didn't have any.

He roared when Jesus asked him his name,

“Legion, for we are many.”

The demons begged Jesus to spare them the Abyss;

He gave no opposition.

They chose a herd of pigs as their home,

For their new home He gave permission.

When the demons came out of the man,

They quickly went into the herd,

The pigs went berserk and ran into the lake,

And were drowned as the demons transferred.

Those tending the pigs saw what happened,

They reported it far and wide,

The people went out to see the miracle,

That occurred when the pigs all died.

When they came to the hill, they found the man,

From whom the demons had fled,

He was fully dressed and in his right mind,

Demon-free and with Jesus instead.

Word was spread how the man had been cured,

Fear filled many a heart.

Instead of gratitude, the people were rude,

So Jesus entered a boat to depart.

Jesus seeks each of us out;

Though some may seem spiritually dead,

We can be freed from what tortures us,

And house Jesus in our hearts instead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AN ARMY RAISED FROM DRY BONES

(Ezekiel 37)

The prophet Ezekiel went to a valley,

Where he had once seen God’s glory,

But this time he would witness,

What is known as an allegory.

The valley was full of dry bones,

From an army slain in battle.

Though hope was lost for their return,

Their bones began to rattle.

The Lord told Ezekiel what to say,

To the bones in complete disarray.

Ezekiel promised their bones would be covered,

And be restored right away.

Flesh and tendons then covered their bones,

Then God breathed His Spirit on them.

Hope returned; they were raised from their graves,

Where for years they lay limb from limb.

God was teaching a lesson

To a spiritually dead Hebrew nation.

Though spiritually lifeless and cut off from God,

There was hope for transformation.

May this story teach each one of us,

Who from sin have not survived.

Whether a person or a nation,

There is hope we can be revived.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Naaman was told to wash 7 times in the Jordan River and he would be cured of leprosy. The Jordan was dirty and gross and besides, that was too easy, in his opinion.

WHY DO THE EASY WAY WHAT CAN BE DONE THE HARD WAY?

(II Kings 5)

Naaman was a commander,

In the army of a king.

King Aram regarded him highly;

He was trusted with everything.

Naaman contracted leprosy;

He didn’t know what to do.

He knew he would lose his limbs, then his life;

He was really in a stew.

His wife had a servant girl,

A captive from Israel.

She remembered Elisha the prophet,

Who through God could make Naaman well.

So Naaman went to Israel’s king;

His own king gave him a letter.

He offered the other king money and clothes,

If he would make Naaman better.

The king read the letter and tore his robes;

He thought Naaman was picking a quarrel.

He knew he could not cure anyone;

He saw the request as immoral.

Elisha sent the king a message,

Though the king he did not see.

“Why did you tear your robes?” he said.

“Just send the man to me.”

Naaman was told to wash in the Jordan,

Seven times from his feet to his head.

If he wanted his skin restored,

He must do what Elisha said.

The Jordan was muddy and gross,

So Naaman fumed and fussed.

But he was missing the point;

The cure was found in the trust.

His servants reasoned with him,

Elisha was not just teasin’.

He didn’t ask Naaman to do something hard;

The cure was well within reason.

So Naaman did as he was told,

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Complete obedience along with faith,

Is what pleases our God in heaven.

Naaman’s flesh was fully restored.

It looked like the skin of a boy.

He realized then that God was real,

And not an untrue story.

The things the Lord requires of us,

Won’t always make good sense.

But if we want our lives restored,

We need faith and obedience.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SAMSON BROUGHT DOWN THE HOUSE

(Based on Judges 15:21 - 16:31)

Samson led Israel 20 years,
Though still the Philistines reigned.
God’s plan would then unfurl;
It’s why Samson was ordained.

It began with a dame named Delilah,
Who was but a beautiful witch.
If she could learn where he got his strength,
The Philistines would make her rich.

She tested three answers Samson gave,
After he fell asleep in the room.
She tied him with leather and next new ropes,
Then wove his braids on a loom.

But Samson grew tired of her nagging,
It was more than he could bear,
So he finally disclosed the truth to her:
His strength was in his hair.

She ran and told the Philistines.

While he slept, they shaved Samson bald.

That was when God left him.

After that, Samson was mauled.

They put him in bronze shackles,

And they gouged out both of his eyes,

They made him grind in prison.

A loose tongue is never wise.

Soon his hair began to grow,

Though not as long as before.

Samson prayed, “Oh Sovereign God,

Strengthen me once more.”

A party was held at the temple,

To offer a sacrifice.

The god they served was Dagon,

Whose worshipers would pay a price.

Samson stood by two pillars;

The pillars held up the temple.

He was brought there to entertain,

And the act he chose was simple.

He pushed the pillars with all his might,

He had everyone’s attention.

And when the temple collapsed,

There was a permanent intermission.

Leaders and important people all died —

Three thousand who made God frown.

When Samson entertained them,

One could say he brought the house down.

Becky Wall